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ohyes. absolutely nebulous.
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| :O hi again. |
[10 Jul 2004|12:13pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 blah |
] |
I've noticed that after I commented as to the whereabouts of Brendan, his livejournal disappeared. This is highly disconcerting. After all, I love him, as I love all of my friends and possibly a little more (wink wink), and honestly, this makes me sad.
After all, we started these last year to let you know a little more about yourselves, behind the curtains and home-video style editing.
Speaking of disconcerting, I've been reading fiction about us. Shame, shame, you dirty girls. Maybe that's why Brendan left, you guys. Hah, changing thoughts like that...
As it is, I talk to Kevin and Paul occasionally. Anyone else is a little distant.
That's what happens, though.
The show, we still do it, it's getting better, but we're just not connected like we used to be.
You should IM me or something. Teenies, anyone. I miss the limelight.
Yeah. So have a great morning/evening/afternoon/night/week/month whatever and I'll update again for you guys eventually.
And maybe answer those 101 questions.
<3
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| chuck palahniuk is a flippin' genius. |
[05 Jun 2004|05:17pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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make out with me. |
] |
| [ |
music |
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dropkick murphys / "blackout" |
] |
Open invitation.
I'm home.
You could come back.
I have popsicles. I have dreams and designs.
I'm coming back.
You could, too.
/desperate plea
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| holla at a nizzle. |
[01 Jun 2004|01:38pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
nerdy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Modest Mouse / "Float On" |
] |
I just wanted to tell you guys thanks for everything. It's been long, but you have to remember, this is when it all started.
A year ago.
The new shows (like the ones on ABCFamily were) are coming up.
I don't talk as much as I'd like.
I don't go on the boards, either.
I'm lame. :)
Anyway. I hope this finds you all well. I'm off from clerking around in NYC for the summer and back home in the big W. Drop me a line.
All love. <3
- el Miguel.
(not Michael, but THE Michael.)
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| my blond wig is lying on the counter, i'm lying on the floor. |
[20 Mar 2004|02:41pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
working |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Sunset Valley / "Wired Nights" |
] |
Old tapes. Old pictures.
Old loves. Spring cleaning, moving it all around, trying to put it all away and start anew.
So, yeah. I remember the days back when we were all together.
Little pictures, little memories.
Snapshots.
Screened over my face, in my head.
Pat taking his shirt off in Strip Pong and Brendan glaring, removing a sock.
Paul laced with wires and tubes and breathing, but not on his own.
Matt and Ryan cuddling.
Kevin Carlson and his stripey cookies and red popsicles.
Me and Brendan together, I giving him a silver necklace and praying that we stayed together to a God I'm not quite sure if I believed in him.
Sheehan flirting non-stop with Pat and outsapping us. Wow, long time back.
Brendan's mom bringing us crack cookies.
Eating wallpaper.
Coming home, feeling the bandages around my wrists, my ribs through my skin.
Driving, driving South to see my aunt with the wind through my hair and the smile across my face, feeling immortal.
I miss that.
I sat by the phone today, hoping someone would call.
I'm too scared to call anyone myself.
Maybe when the summer comes, we'll come back, all of us, together again at long last.
And it will be just like before.
Dancing and swimming and strip pong and making fun of Sheehan like always.
I'm an idealist, though. It's over.
Maybe I should just give up.
Fuck.
<3
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| happy holidays. one and all. |
[23 Dec 2003|10:47am] |
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mood |
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pensive, waiting for the snows |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Elvis Costello / "Beyond Belief" |
] |
All I want for Christmas?
The usual. Family. Friends. Peace on freaking Earth. Love.
It shouldn't be too much to ask.
I mean... wow.
It seems like everyone else is dead.
Like the Rage caught us all in the form of mid-terms
and finals
and moving
and prior obligations
leaving scattered hearts and crap in its wake.
So, hey, if there is a Santa, listen here and listen well.
All I want for Christmas is just a day. One day like it used to be.
Strip Pong, driving under semis, dreamcatchers, crack cookies
(whatever)
As long as we're together again.
<3
&i wish you the whitest christmas (purity of heart &soul)
Michael
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[09 Dec 2003|06:41pm] |
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mood |
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 sad |
] |
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music |
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elvis costello / "i don't want to go to chelsea" |
] |
I don't know if it's just waking up on a morning like this and seeing the halo around the moon or smelling snow in the air, but I've got the weirdest feeling that things will get better, that everything will be okay.
Brendan's cryptic notes about coming home...
Carlson leaving little things in my mailbox, in my doorway...
It's just getting to where I'm believing that what's happened was a test to see if we'd survive. I did.
Linda didn't.
So... yeah, kids out there in LJ-land, give a what what to our friend, our chance giver and the one who believed in us, Linda Mancuso.
Rest in peace, dearheart.
// c-homicide
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| And you shalt thrice deny your involvement. One. Two. Never again. |
[29 Nov 2003|06:58pm] |
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mood |
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empty. cold. alone. |
] |
| [ |
music |
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alkaline trio / "crawl (live)" |
] |
We all say it but I don't know if any one means it.
Yeah, we're just the ashes.
Last night, I had a dream. It was raining. And in the cold November rain, not yet snow, we were dancing. All eight of us. Dancing, heads skyward, moving to the music which sounded like a piano being hit with a steamroller. But we listened. And we were like a perfect machine, every cog in its place and moving in a perfect circle.
Of course, then I woke up. Cold. Alone. Watching the leaves go blowing off the trees. Staring at the pictures on my wall, on my nightstand.
I'd say I miss you, but that's overdone.
I'd say I need this, but I've lived without it for so long.
I'd say I love you... but... the words dry up.
we are, we are the dead
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| Fresh air. |
[22 Nov 2003|05:33pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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blank |
] |
| [ |
music |
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dropkick murphys / "amazing grace" cover |
] |
My aunt died.
I'm coming home soon. Trust me.
KC. Thanks for talking to me right after. I love you. So much.
Everyone else... xinfinity. Seriously.
Listen to the Long Winters. Smile.
I know I am.
may the angels carry you so safely home
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| SMILE. OR ELSE. :D |
[16 Nov 2003|06:46pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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maybemylipswillcrack |
] |
| [ |
music |
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... something. i can't tell you. i can't hear it. |
] |
My aunt's dying.
Smile.
KC and I aren't together as much as we should be.
Grin.
Rotang's just said "Hey, guess what, I hate you die!"
Smirk.
At least the random teenies can't post and ask why I'm so mean and mad and just roar.
Beam.
I really miss K-Shee and Ryan and Pat and Paul. A lot.
a little wider, i don't think the west coast can see you bleeding
Oh, other than that, everything's peachy keen a-okay absolutely splendid and fine. :D
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| dashboards and dying. |
[10 Nov 2003|11:43pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 recumbent |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Thursday / "Signals Over the Air" |
] |
I never meant to break his heart.
But this shit happens.
And I never meant to do anything I've done.
That's why it's a good thing that my aunt's given me the chance to hide for a while. She's sick. Gotta go south and take care of her.
This happens, too.
Just never let it be said that I don't love all of you.
B... man. Oh god. That's... * trails off *
KC... with and without, right?
Everyone else... I'll see you when she's okay. Until then, if I get some spare time, I'll pop on and be like "yeah, she's dying, what up, lymphoma sucks."
And now, I can't even say his name.
It burns.
Brendan. Brendan. Brendan.
And the pain will bring me home.
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| this is the way you wish your voice sounds. |
[04 Nov 2003|03:43pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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gloomy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Brand New / "Guernica" |
] |
Circles bind and break but I still feel the same.
I've been on the boards, reading, reading about what the fans have to say. I posted once. You read it. Facetious, eh?
I've got the big vocab and the big eyebrows to back it up. And no, I was playing about that auditing stuff. No one gets the jokes though. The girls say lovely things about me and so does the cast. It's cute to hear Mr. Leonard call Brendan "Brendy" and the entire family say they admire my skill.
Skill? I'm honoured.
Thanks for watching that BOYling Point video, by the way. There's more Carney coming. I'm thinking of launching my own site for Ralph's solo project, "Ralphified". It will be pimp, be assured.
I've not seen much of Carlson. I miss him immensely. Watching old tapes, I'll see us all at Camp Jinx!!! and be reciting the words along with the tape, waiting for him to answer. It's so dramatic, two voices in unison and then the one on the TV alone, while I've lost my own due to my throat going dry and my lips are just moving forming those i love you so much / so much that he said once. God, I'm pitiful.
And I'll see Brendan on those tapes and shake my head. It's sad. Almost tragic, he once told me. After our fight and that time we almost made up/out, I never saw him again. Since then. Two months. Haven't seen Paul or heard from most of us. Is there still any circle or part of us?
I had a theory about the circle, you know.
It's all, well, Brendan's fault.
Because he was so with Pat back in the day.
And ended up playing the field and we all did it as revenge, like that episode of Friends. "I'm sleeping with Ross to get back at Rachel!" or whatever. Maybe that wasn't Friends.
After a while, this became something we depended on. Something that was like the wind. It was always there. You knew you could come back to it, even when no one else would take you in.
Connections and relationships grew from it, but everyone was still ohso in love with everyone else. That's the hard part to understand. You gave a part of yourself to everyone else who gave something to you in return.
It's like an invisible promise ring. You still wear it even if you forget what the promise was in the first place.
And I'm still connected by the loosest of threads to something dying and burning and on fire while I'm wondering if the winter's gonna be like this.
This long.
This hard.
This depressing.
If so, I may be dead before the spring sun melts Chitown and sets the cardinals free.
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| a silly quiz &i wrote a poem for all of you to see. |
[01 Nov 2003|11:35pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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_scarlet &plush face down |
] |
| [ |
music |
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the cure / "last dance" |
] |
Let your kisses be like razorblades and your eyes be like daggers
So thumbtacks are our love
Yeah, silver sharp and scratching
Every tip can leave a mark
Every stab and every breath so sweet
And I love you
I love you more than you’ll ever know
So trick me, I dare you
Every moment I don’t see you becomes like ecstasy
And every shard of vodka bottle glass in the streets
Reflects your smile
Let the junkies be your emissaries and whisper words of endearment
Let every beautiful syllable resonate through graffiti covered alleyways
It will reach my ears eventually
Just like you’ll come back
Just like across town, they’ve been up all night waiting for the white dust to fall
Like snow in the darkest winters
Like summer you’ll touch me
And we’ll melt as one.
( just e-cstatic. )
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[29 Oct 2003|04:28pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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crushed |
] |
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music |
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boy george / "do you really wanna hurt me" |
] |
Irony. We hurt the ones we love-
(that means we're all dying).
and we love the ones that give us thumbtacks.
Geez.
Call me. Soon. Someone. Anyone.
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| on AIM... |
[13 Oct 2003|04:17pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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loved |
] |
new name!!! x nebulous
for all of your Carney needs.
New name. New start.
Hit me up one day. I'll be happy to take your calls.
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[11 Oct 2003|02:04pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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ohsoinfreakinglove. |
] |
| [ |
music |
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soft breathing and bright eyes. |
] |
ohgodi'msoexcitedthatican'teven breathe.
this is a step in the right direction
(a step towards you)
and i'm loving every second.
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[11 Oct 2003|01:37pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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ohso confused. |
] |
| [ |
music |
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the cure / friday, i'm in love. |
] |
Catharsis can be dangerous.
Never mind that though, it's what results which is the key.
"As long as you're both in the circle, you'll always be with him. And possibly without him at the same time...
I'm trying to say... that.. well.. everyone who is in the circle is with everyone else who is in the circle. The circle connects everyone.
But there are two kinds of "with".
There is with as in "all a part of the circle".. and then there's..
... there's with as in "together"...
And leading on those ideas.. you can be with and without him at the same time."
Saturday, I'm in love.
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| Quiz(ill)... uh... |
[10 Oct 2003|04:42pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
bored |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Five Iron Frenzy / * shrug * No clue. |
] |
-------^
You Are The Pirates BLS Episode! Congrats!
TAKE THIS ONE!! What Brendan Leonard Episode Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
I'm mildly amused. Pirates. Good times, good times.
And I took some other quizzes.
It's crazy to see some of the questions they relate with me.
If your dream guy...
can't dive
can almost lick his elbow
thinks celebrities are fun
doesn't like watersports
is sarcastic and cynical
hates vegetables
says "READY?! OKAY!!!"
tans his bellybutton &takes no prisoners
that man is me.
And this question is priceless.
What would you do if I asked you to strip? (Assuming you're a guy)
Take off your socks.
Say you will in two minutes but hold up three fingers.
Say you don't know how.
Blush a bit but take off yr shirt.
Try to take off your pants but fall down.
Say your hair color prevents you from being a good stripper.
Start dancing around in a circle and take your shoes off.
Guess who each are.
You can't tell I'm bored, can you? Someone come and see me. Soon. Please?
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| you can trust me not to drink... and not to sleep around? |
[06 Oct 2003|10:12am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
awake |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Paloalto / "Throwing Stones" |
] |
So... let's get a summary, shall we?
1. The Kevins and Pat are still alive, and we're trying to figure out how to save this stupid "Circle" thing. No offense to the circle, but I just want to know which of us started it.
2. I'm back from the island. A little thinner, tanned, with longer hair, but back. The long hair look works, seriously. By the way, that bandage that you guys saw on my wrist... no, I didn't slash it, I got ripped up by a big thorny tree thing.
3. I must admit, showers are fun. And I'm sorry, in advance for whatever happens after that.
4. I'm also trying to redo my journal... any ideas or whatever? Seriously. I need all the help I can get.
in closing: Come over one day. I'm living in a condo, right now, in Oak Park. We'll have red velvet cake and watch Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Glorious, glorious fun.
lessthanthree
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[03 Oct 2003|03:00pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 moody |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
senses fail / "dreaming a reality" |
] |
it's been oh so long and i'll try to make it fast before i lose the voice i have.
today is the absolute last episode. ever. this, you see, is tragic. i can see myself talking and crying and laughing and looking so alive.
see, even the camera lies.
as you read, remember. and as you remember, express how you feel. i'm not dead, by any means. i just feel like i'm dying inside.
exile is a horrible, horrible thing.
i put myself through this to be someday have a chance of being with you again.
everyone else... i'll be home soon. maybe not the same, but home soon. <3
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michael_carney's journal